By: Kim Siffring, Director of Montview Community Preschool & Kindergarten
Unconditional Confidence. I first came across this powerful word combination a few weeks ago while listening to Pema Chodron, and it has been bouncing from one section of my brain to another as waves that are at the same time fluid and sticky. Once I think I begin to understand the concept, it morphs into more questions than answers.
- What is it exactly?
- How do I define it as an educator?
- How do I define it as a parent?
- What does it look like in practice?
- How is it cultivated it in children?
At times I understand it to be akin to unconditional love. You know that unique love that blooms when your child enters the world and only grows stronger as easy weeks and hard days combine into a lifetime. No matter what happens you LOVE your child. They puke in your mouth… you still love them. They color on the walls…you still love them. They wake you up in the middle of the night …you still love them. THROUGH IT ALL! UNCONDITIONALLY! YOU LOVE THEM!
At other times I wonder if it is a subset of unconditional acceptance. As an educator I practice and hone acceptance of children who walk into the school. There is an ease to it that comes from knowing where children are on their developmental continuum, their universal struggles, and the individual challenges they bring. These ethos define teaching at Montview as well as contributing to a feeling of confidence, but the buoyancy it lends is unique from unconditional confidence.
Maybe if I examine what unconditional confidence looks like in action my understanding will magically form into a thought that isn’t a shapeshifter. So I googled and read sites like elephantjournal.com, blogs by Cylon George, and a page from Southwestern Consulting’s blog. They all gave great insight to the theory and definition of Unconditional Confidence without really defining it. Then I happened to read a blog page by Numina Thriving Teams, and it said (I am paraphrasing here) confidence is having Instinctive trust in themselves and life.
Yes, that is what we all want children to have their whole life. So how can we cultivate this practice of unconditional confidence? This is where it gets exciting. I think it is safe to say we have been cultivating it here at Montview for decades. We nurture it by encouraging and supporting children to connect with their essential being. We give children time and with that time they examine who they are in their inner cores. They begin to examine the basic goodness they are born with. They are outside, exposed to nature and natural things. They can be who they are and are accepted for who they are, not what they do or how good they are at it. They get to be in the moment and have genuinely interested teachers by their side asking probing questions about their thoughts. (Not questions with right and wrong answers but tough questions that allow children to think about what THEY believe). They are given time to formulate their ideas. Children are given the freedom to explore the world with their five senses. During their time in school we let children feel all of their emotions, we help them identify and name them, and we help them accept every emotion as part of being human. We give children time to be intellectually aware and emotionally open to experiences. The teachers are so well versed at guiding children to be open to the moments they are experiencing, to be attentive to the here and now. Our teachers are not afraid of big emotions so your children are not either. It takes, as Pema Chodron says, “tender-hearted bravery…to turn toward the pain, trusting inner resources to deal with the pain will open you up to a whole new level of confidence summoned from deep within.” Maybe the definition I am searching for is “An instinctive conviction that things are going to turn out well.”
When children have trust in themselves they will have courage in times of challenge and change. Those challenges and transformations happen all the time for young children. Who hasn’t had a day when you wanted your child to wear item “X” and the child had item “Y” in mind. Talk about a challenge. When we allow children to encounter uncertainty when they are young, they get good at being brave. When the tests grow larger and children grow older they can face bigger and bigger challenges with the belief that something good will come out of even the most challenging experiences. Maybe this is the one true and right definition.
So it boils down to three similar definitions:
Instinctive trust in themselves and life.
An instinctive conviction that things are going to turn out well.
The belief that something good will come out of even the most challenging experiences.
I like all three and am not ready to distill them down to one yet. I am enjoying the waves of thoughts and possibilities sloshing around from brain region to brain region. But I challenge you to notice when you are fostering unconditional confidence in your child.
Take the leap–
Define Unconditional Confidence for yourself
Give the gift of unconditional confidence to your child
Have unconditional confidence in yourself
You are doing a great job. It is a pleasure to work alongside you to build unconditionally confident children.
Cheers,
Kim
